I tried to make an apology to someone tonight. I had behaved badly, giggling through something she had said at an event discussing leadership and the role of internal communication in increasing profitabilty in organisations.
In my defence, I wasn't laughing at what she said - although the example of Ed Milliband as an authentic leader stretched my self-control somewhat. No, it was the expression of ludicrous disbelief of a mate of mine, which sent me over the edge. Quite rightly, the speaker took umbrage, and began to complain....and then the facilitator took a hand and moved us on.
Immediately the event finished, I got up and went towards her to speak. She backed away from me, and I protested, asking her not to leave and saying that I wanted to apologise. I said I had been very rude and I wanted to beg her pardon.
To my surprise, she asked me if I had always been that aggressive and recounted not only my rudeness that evening, but also a few other rudenesses that while she hadn't seen, she had imagined. She told me how childish I had been, and although I tried to explain that it wasn't her, but my friend, who had caused my hilarity - she was having none of it. Truly stunned by this time, it was me who was backing away now, pursued by this woman who now started to question my attitude, my thought patterns and my anger management issues. She then landed the clincher.
"Perhaps it's because I don't speak the same as you that you think what I say is so funny. Do you think I have a strange accent ?" she spat at me.
Now I may be many things, but being biased by a foreign accent isn't one of them. And although I had noticed her accent, this had not influenced my view of her choice of leaders, or indeed biased my view of her or her opinions. My best intentions now long disappeared, I lost my temper.
"No, I think you've got a problem, love," I snappily responded. Gathering up my bags, I began to move away from my seat, pursued by her all the way. I didn't tell her where to go, but I did tell her to "go away" (JUST that, nothing else!) and was finally rescued by another of my friends.
On the tube, it suddenly struck me that this is how wars start. A slight, a mistake, a wayward flick of an eyebrow, a smirk in the wrong place.... whatever our disagreements about authentic leaders, by the time I went to apologise, I was suddenly responsible for not just this slight, but for everything that had gone wrong not just that day, but possibly all her life.
It's at this stage that I realised that the apology for a giggle in the wrong place was never going to be enough. I could have prostrated myself for half an hour and still the misunderstandings would have remained. I'm not proud of my behaviour. But, you can only be responsible, and apologise, for so much of the pain in someone's life.
